Footballers Are Idiots

After the furore that has surrounded football for the past week or so, Lord Stevens plans to address the Premier League’s 20 club chairmen next Monday and inform them that he has unearthed corruption in the national sport.

They will be presented with the findings from Stevens’ Quest team which shows “numerous discrepancies” in 362 transfers probed between January 2004 and January 2006.

But that’s not all. Steve McClaren’s agent Colin Gordon claims that “the majority of agents” are corrupt and the English game is seen as the “dirty man of Europe”.

Welcome to last week, gentlemen.

Share This

Reading goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann may have received some intergalactic help in order to help his side record a 1-1 draw against Manchester United on Saturday evening.

While some players indulge in pre-match rituals such as always putting on their left sock before the right, Hahnemann prepared a little more eccentrically by dressing up as Star Wars character Obi Wan Kenobi.

“You could say Wayne Rooney is our Darth Vader” the mentalist added.

Share This

After seven years at the top of his game in the Premiership, Thierry Henry could consider himself a role model not just for youngsters who watch him, but also his fellow professionals.

But who does the third all-time Premiership goal scorer see as an inspiration to or somebody to look up to? Fellow Frenchmen Zinedine Zidane or Eric Cantona? Or what about the Premiership’s leading marksman Alan Shearer?

No. Henry’s choice of heroes are a bit more of an acquired taste. Henry chose Manchester City’s Paul Dickov for “the way he moves, because he’s always moving everywhere” and Bolton Wanderers striker Kevin Davies because he “annoys” defenders, but “not in a bad way”.

Either Henry has been on the vino or he is being particularly kind to two players even the most generous of pundits would describe as no more than “hard working” or “honest professionals”.

Share This

Newcastle United assistant manager Terry McDermott has branded former Magpie Craig Bellamy a “little upstart”.

Bellamy, who left St James’ Park under a cloud of animosity in 2005, was said to have interrupted a conversation McDermott was having with referee Mark Halsey after Liverpool’s beat Newcastle this week.

“It had nothing to do with anyone else and I take exception to little upstarts like him” McDermott fumed.

“He was 100 per cent out of order. Everywhere he has been he has been in bother and it is starting again at Liverpool”.

So is the Wales international a “little upstart” or merely a misunderstood genius? What is certain, however, is there is no love lost between the pair.

During Bellamy’s time at Newcastle, McDermott was incensed when the striker accused former manager Graeme Souness of stating he had feigned injury before a Premiership match at Arsenal in January 2005.

Share This

BBC documentary Panorama accused Sam Allardyce of receiving illegal payments from two agents in it’s probe into dodgy transfer dealings in football’s top flight.

While the documentary failed to present any hard evidence to suggest any wrongdoing, it’s surprising an investigation such as this has taken so long to happen. More than 10 years have passed since former Arsenal manager George Graham was issued a one year ban from football after he received illegal payments as part of the deal bringing John Jensen and Pal Lydersen to Highbury.

It would be foolish and naive to think he is the only manager that has operated in this fashion. In an industry awash with millions upon millions of pounds, there are bound to be some dubious “kickbacks”, “sweeteners” or “backhanders” in order for some deals to be done and to ensure certain parties involved take their “cut”.

Indeed, the documentary claimed that 18 past and present Premiership managers had been named as having taken illegal payments.

But what about doing something about it? It appears the FA have not been overly keen to get involved, as the documentary revealed there is only one person on the staff that investigates transfers - covering all 92 professional league clubs and possibly those further down the pyramid aswell.

More questions than answers have been raised and if nothing else, sparks should fly in the coming weeks as Allardyce and his former agent son Craig were presented in a particularly poor light.

Big Sam has already asked his lawyers to take “appropriate” action.

Share This

Brazilian “hardman” Julio Baptista will no longer strike fear into his opponents after it was revealed in the tabloid press that he still lives with his mum.

Despite racking up millions of pounds worth of transfers from Sao Paulo to Seville to Real Madrid and now Arsenal, it appears that molly-coddled Baptista still craves the love and attention that only his devoted mother, Wilma, can provide.

Bless his little Nike socks. Rumours that ‘The Beast’ needs a pair of velcro boots as mum still ties his shoelaces have so far been unfounded.

Share This

Merely weeks after signing a lucrative contract at Chelsea, Germany captain Michael Ballack may request a pay rise as he is finding property prices in London too expensive.

Despite being possibly the highest earner in the Premiership, stingy Ballack prefers to rent rather than buy during his stay in the capital.

Ballack needs a reality check and quickly. He earns £130,000 a week and with properties in the Chelsea and Kensington area costing an average of £800,000, it would take him about six weeks to buy one outright in cash.

If he is complaining about getting onto the UK property ladder with his millions in the bank, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

Share This

Promising Manchester City youngster Micah Richards threw what can only be described as a “hissy fit” when he was substituted on the hour in the Blues’ 1-0 defeat at Reading last night.

The 18-year-old threw his shirt to the ground and waved his arms in disgust following his exit from the pitch and this was broadcast live on television as Sky was covering the match.

Ironically, team-mate Paul Dickov, known himself for his fiery temper, had to calm the youngster down after being substituted at the same time.

Manager Stuart Pearce was not impressed by the teenager’s unprofessionalism.

“It is my job as a manger to educate young players and that is what I will do in this case” he said.

Let’s hope the “education” involves Pearce’s boot and Richards’ arse in the same swift movement. Idiot.

Watch some prepubescent petulance here

Share This

Chelsea full back Ashley Cole is fast becoming a hate figure of the game, even more so than Cristiano Ronaldo during the World Cup, which takes some doing.

The England international has even been nicknamed Cashley Cole due to his move across London from Arsenal to Chelsea appearing to be motivated by money.

Cole has suffered from delusions of grandeur, fuelled by his own sense of self worth and his constant presence in the public eye. He wondered why the Arsenal fans did not chant his name at the end of last season. An unauthorised meeting with Chelsea’s top brass in a London restaurant may have had just a little to do with his falling out of favour with the supporters.

He professes his switch to cash-rich Chelsea was not motivated by money, yet he griped over a £5,000-a-week difference of opinion offered to him by Arsenal during contract negotiations. He wanted £60k, they were only prepared to offer £55k. Incidentally, he now earns £90k a week at Stamford Bridge.

What’s even worse is that while Cole’s dirty laundry has been aired in the press every day for months, it’s now going to be repeated in an even more lucrative fashion due to the serialisation of his new autobiography. How riveting.

Share This

Frank Lampard appears intent on making himself look as foolish as possible as he cannot seem to keep his foot out of his big fat mouth for more than a few days at a time.

Little more than a week ago he was banging on about how he would not ’shirk responsibility’ and continue to take penalties for England, despite the glaringly obvious fact that he is rubbish at taking them.

Big Frank showed his credentials from 12 yards in Chelsea’s 2-1 win over Charlton today by seeing a late spot kick saved by Addicks goalkeeper Scott Carson.

No doubt he’ll be bleating to the press about how that miss was just a blip and he is actually a very good penalty taker. Like the true international class penalty taker he is, he thrives under the pressure of scoring from the spot in, for instance, a crucial World Cup penalty shoot out. Oh.

Share This