Footballers Are Idiots

Shot shy defender Moritz Volz scored his first goal in three years to earn Fulham a point at Aston Villa on the weekend.

Nothing idiotic in that you may think, until the truth behind his wonder volley is revealed.

There’s nothing the German’s like better than sauerkraut, lederhosen and getting up at the crack of dawn with towels in hand - apart from David Hasselhoff that is.

Volz is such a fan of the former Baywatch beefcake that he had the nickname “Hoff” inscribed inside his custom-made football boots to inspire him on the pitch.

And inspire him it did.

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Hungry Spurs striker Jermain Defoe ‘nibbled’ West Ham’s Argentinian midfielder Javier Mascherano during their Premiership clash on the weekend but will face no action from the FA.

Cheery Dutchman Martin Jol found it funny, rather than dangerous, which leads us to believe Defoe has had all his necessary innoculations and poses no danger to the public when let off his leash.

“It is part of the game”, said Jol. ”They kicked him three times from behind in 10 minutes and he wanted to show his frustration in a nice, comical way”.

Hilarious I’m sure.

We haven’t seen a player tuck into another since mentalist Brazilian-cum-Belgian Luis Oliveria ran amok in Serie A during the mid 1990s biting anything in shorts. 

Feeding Time at Bite Hart Lane

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More goalkeeper related buffoonery for the website comes in the form of ex-England number one David James.

The often criticised “Calamity” James stated he will not do any more interviews for Sky Sports until 2 December, because that’s the earliest an engineer can come out and fix his dodgy satellite system.

Rumours that the receiver is no longer working because he dropped it have yet to be confirmed.

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Here at FootballersAreIdiots.co.uk, we like nothing better than a dose of self-delusion and they don’t come more deluded than Stan Collymore.

One of football’s great wasted talents, last seen on the pitch back in 2001 but rarely out of the media spotlight since, Stanloi is prepared to make a comeback at the age of 35.

The girlfriend-beating dogging fanatic is frenetically completing a three-week training session in Tenerife in order to make his great return to the Premiership.

All he needs is a willing (read desperate) taker.

After an awesome spell at Nottingham Forest and a decent enough one at Liverpool, Stan was never that good following moves to Aston Villa, Fulham, Leicester, Bradford and finally Real Oviedo.

So what he thinks he can achieve in a faster, harder and more competitive Premiership than it was when he hung up his boots five years ago only he will know, but it would certainly be hilarious to watch.

Despite his lack of involvement and as ridiculous a comeback may sound, Martin Tyler’s commentary of “Barnes… Rush… Barnes… Collymore CLOSING IIIIIIINNNNN” during Liverpool’s 4-3 win over Newcastle back in the late 1990s will be echoing in some managers ears.

Neil Warnock, at Sheffield United, loves to have a large quota of non-goal scoring strikers on the books while Sam Allardyce can never resist a “big name” freebie, even if they turn out not to be very good - Mario Jardel, anyone?

A shock announcement could be imminent but in the meantime, look back at when Stan was the man

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Following Paul Scholes’ venture into alleged homophobia last week, Rio Ferdinand didn’t want to miss out on football’s latest trend and nailed his colours firmly to the mast on national radio.

The random drug test dodger sparked a row when her branded Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles a ‘faggot’ during some banter between the pair on the breakfast show.

Referring to two United players by their nicknames, Moyles asked: ”If you had to, who would you rather go out with - Smudger or Scholesy?”

Ferdinand replied: “That is not my bag that, that is not my game, talking about going out with geezers.”

Moyles jokingly suggested he would always prefer ex Leeds United striker Smith over ginger Scholes, Ferdinand declared: “You’re a faggot.”

As the production team in the studio expressed shock and disbelief, England international Ferdinand quickly backtracked and with: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not homophobic”.

Not much. As long as those ‘dirty queers’ don’t come anywhere near you eh, Mr Ferdinand?

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I’m talking about a dive. From one Spurs great to another, summer signing Didier Zokora took one of the most blatant dives seen in the Premiership in order for floundering Spurs to earn victory against Portsmouth.

As soon as he was in the penalty area, Zokora took an elegant tumble despite being nowhere near closest challenger Pedro Mendes and the referee, with an unhindered view, gave the penalty.

Striker Jermain Defoe did his best to miss from the spot but his effort was just beyond the reach of Pompey keeper David James.

View this master class in cheating from the Ivory Coast’s finest

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Manchester City bad boy Joey Barton is in trouble yet again after baring his spotty arse to Everton fans after the final whistle.

After City snatched a last gasp equaliser through another FootballersAreIdiots.co.uk favourite Micah Richards, Barton celebrated with his own supporters before mooning at the Everton faithful.

Why can’t Barton behave himself? The hot-head from Liverpool attracts trouble like the Fonz attracts ‘hot chicks’.

In 2004, he stubbed out a cigar in youth player Jamie Tandy’s eye and then broke the leg of a pedestrian while driving in May 2005.

He got two for the price of one in July 2005 when he managed to get into a fight with a 15-year-old Everton fan and had an altercation with team-mate Richard Dunne which saw the defender injure his foot.

That summer saw Barton fork out over £120,000 in club fines and this latest episode in his Hall of Shame is also likely to be a costly one.

See Barton make an arse of himself here

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Manchester City defender and elbow enthusiast Ben Thatcher will not face police charges after hospitalising Portsmouth’s Pedro Mendes.

Mendes, who was knocked unconscious on impact and suffered a seizure as physios tried to resuscitate him on the sidelines, insisted the incident was dealt by the FA and not the police so they had no choice but to let the matter drop.

Instead, occasional Welshman Thatcher will get away with an eight match ban (with a further 15 match ban suspended) and fined six week’s wages.

Justice, I’m sure you will all agree. Ahem.

Relive the horror elbow here

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Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has opened a can of worms by allegedly calling referee Frank De Bleeckere a “flipping homosexual” (or something to that effect) after he was booked inside 10 minutes during United’s midweek win at Benfica.

In today’s PC climate, Scholes could have perhaps used a more acceptable insult, such as questioning the marital status of the referee’s parents. However, non-PC or not, the reaction to Scholes’ gaff has been nothing short of hilarious.

Former Labour MP Peter Tatchell, now filling his days with British gay human rights group OutRage!, said: “We urge Paul to apologise and to express his opposition to homophobia.

This, in itself seems a reasonable enough request and rightly so, but Tatchell’s call for Scholes to “attend a training course on homophobia” if he is found to have made the remark is a bit much.

What nonsense goes on at such courses (paid for at the tax payer’s expense, no doubt)? Do the organisers get out the ”Cabaret” dvd, sing a few numbers from “the shows” and then down a few Cosmopolitans?

Utterly ridiculous. It’s unlikely Scholes will be welcome in Canal Street any more and may find himself run out of town should he try and get a drink there.

Although if he shouts “chase me, chase me” while being followed in hot pursuit that may be taking things a little too far.

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Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho is fast becoming a parody of himself. The ‘Special One’ as he likes to be known is more like ‘Special Education’ if he actually believes the latest garbage he spouted out to Portuguese magazine Maxima.

Deluded Mourinho believes he is one of the reasons Chelsea is “almost self sufficient” and was quoted as saying:

“Call me vain, but I produce because there are titles and, in conjunction with them, merchandising in an incomparably superior proportion to what existed before I came here.”

Surely Mourinho can’t be foolish enough to believe that Chelsea FC, as a business, is financially self sufficient, rather than being bankrolled by the personal fortune of a Russian sugar daddy?

Indeed, this article claims Chelsea may face legal curbs to clamp down on the ridiculous spending which has seen them make a loss of £228 million since Roman Abramovich took over in 2003.

Has Mourinho considered the consequences should Abramovich decide to pull the plug? Idiot.

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