Footballers Are Idiots

Why do England footballer’s always play themselves up a few months after failing miserably yet again at a major tournament? Why do they do it before playing a useless minnow side they have no chance of losing against (OK, apart from Northern Ireland)?

And why do they try to sound all the more convincing when there’s almost two years to go before they stuff it up again on the World stage?

Just hours before England play a “massive” Euro 2008 qualifier against the giants of Andorra, World Cup flop Frank Lampard has claimed he will not “shirk responsibility” as England’s penalty taker because he is “big enough”.

But enough about Frank’s wasitline. England footballer’s are all talk. They profess to be the best in the world but ultimately bottle it when it really matters.

A friendly 4-0 win against Greece followed by a likely thumping of little Andorra will duly see them as “world beaters” yet again and the usual “bring on Euro 2008″ garbage will follow soon after. Idiots.

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Leyton Orient defender David Partridge was sentenced to two months in prison following a brawl at a night club last October.

Partridge, then at Bristol City, was thrown out of a club in the city and was said to have ”lost control” and charged at the doormen. He became embroiled in a fight and team mates Steve Brooker, Scott Brown and Bradley Orr (making his second appearance on this website) became involved.

Partridge received the longest sentence and was ordered to pay £1,000 to the doorman while Orr and Brooker face 28 days in the clink. Brown got off lightly in comparison and must carry out 120 hours community service. Idiots.

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Last Thursday’s transfer deadline day was dominated by the high profile, if not highly dubious transfer of Argentine duo Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano from Corinthians to West Ham United.

The exact terms of the transfer are unknown, which makes it all the more intriguing. Speculation if rife with one theory suggesting Roman Abramovich is involved in the deal somewhere along the line and the duo are to get a season’s Premiership experience before moving on to Chelsea.

If the pair honestly had their pick of the top clubs in Europe and beyond to choose from, then why on earth would Upton Park be their move of choice. It’s simple if you believe that Maschareno cites Anton Ferdinand as one of his main reasons to play in the claret and blue, as he is player who is talked about all over Argentina, apparently.

Come off it, what do you take us for? Idiots?

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After a pathetic showing in this summer’s World Cup, the England spin machine is in full rotation after new manager Steve McClaren hailed his side after their 5-0 win against minnows Andorra.

“They handled the game very well”, he said of his England side, “It was always going to be a test for us, we controlled the tempo, were patient, and never got frustrated”.

McClaren’s comments beggar belief. A test? I took harder tests in school when I was seven. Of course England should beat a joke side like Andorra, you idiot. They are a part-time outfit with a total population on a par with the town of Bargoed in South Wales. Accrington, Redditch and Weston-super-Mare have a larger pool of players to choose from than the tiny landlocked principality. In fact, if every person who lives in Andorra watched the match at Old Trafford where England displayed such dominance, there would be seats to spare.

What’s even more pathetic is that an England side worth millions in an open transfer market and who earn in excess of a million pounds a week between them, only managed to score five goals against a woeful side that a team in the Conference would beat comfortably.

Even Scotland put six past an arguably better side in the Faroe Islands and they don’t even have a recognised international goal scorer in the team.

Worse still was John Motson’s commentary during the match. The old patriot was almost wetting himself when the fifth goal went in, although that could be a sign of old age.

“Six against Jamaica, four against Greece and now five against Andorra” he enthused.

It was as though the World Cup never happened…

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In a desperate bid to escape from the breadline of £70,000 a week and join a club which could afford him a salary he could live on, Chelsea claim William Gallas threatened to score an own goal if he was selected for the team.

Gallas, who joined Arsenal on deadline day last Thursday, is claimed to have threatened if he was forced to play, or if he was disciplined and financially punished for his breach of the rules, he would score an own goal, get himself sent off, or make deliberate mistakes according to an official Chelsea statement.

This is the sort of petulant behaviour you would expect from a child who didn’t want to play on the same team as someone else in the playground at lunch time, not a seasoned international closing in on his 30th birthday.

Gallas’ return to Stamford Bridge with new club Arsenal on the 10 December should make for compulsive viewing.

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The arguments for some sort of “numpties” qualifying group grew stronger last night as World Cup hosts Germany beat San Marino 13-0 on their own patch in a Euro 2008 qualfier.

The top nations should not have to waste their time against the minnow countries, especially the likes of San Marino, the third smallest nation in Europe behind Monaco and the Vatican City.

What can three-times World Cup winners Germany possibly learn against opponents comparitive in size to Falmouth or Wisbech and one that has only ever won once at international level in its entire history (a 1-0 friendly victory against the mighty Liechtenstein in 1994)?

These cakewalks are a complete farce and the sooner the minnow nations are lumped together in a group, with the winner facing a slightly better team as a reward, such as Israel or Cyprus, the better.

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Aston Villa’s new £8 million signing, Stilian Petrov, has revealed he comfort ate cheap burgers from a fast food van as he struggled to settle in Glasgow following his move from CSKA Sofia in 1999.

Petrov, who was signed by unsuccessful manager John Barnes, failed to fit in at Celtic Park and piled on the weight as he scoffed cheap burgers. He even served bemused customers from behind the counter as he battled against lonliness.

Martin O’Neill was appointed in 2000 and helped fatty Petrov, who had put on more than a stone of burger blubber, get into shape and become an integral part of the Glasgow club until he followed his manager to Villa Park this summer after seven years in Scotland.

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Frank Lampard appears intent on making himself look as foolish as possible as he cannot seem to keep his foot out of his big fat mouth for more than a few days at a time.

Little more than a week ago he was banging on about how he would not ’shirk responsibility’ and continue to take penalties for England, despite the glaringly obvious fact that he is rubbish at taking them.

Big Frank showed his credentials from 12 yards in Chelsea’s 2-1 win over Charlton today by seeing a late spot kick saved by Addicks goalkeeper Scott Carson.

No doubt he’ll be bleating to the press about how that miss was just a blip and he is actually a very good penalty taker. Like the true international class penalty taker he is, he thrives under the pressure of scoring from the spot in, for instance, a crucial World Cup penalty shoot out. Oh.

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Chelsea full back Ashley Cole is fast becoming a hate figure of the game, even more so than Cristiano Ronaldo during the World Cup, which takes some doing.

The England international has even been nicknamed Cashley Cole due to his move across London from Arsenal to Chelsea appearing to be motivated by money.

Cole has suffered from delusions of grandeur, fuelled by his own sense of self worth and his constant presence in the public eye. He wondered why the Arsenal fans did not chant his name at the end of last season. An unauthorised meeting with Chelsea’s top brass in a London restaurant may have had just a little to do with his falling out of favour with the supporters.

He professes his switch to cash-rich Chelsea was not motivated by money, yet he griped over a £5,000-a-week difference of opinion offered to him by Arsenal during contract negotiations. He wanted £60k, they were only prepared to offer £55k. Incidentally, he now earns £90k a week at Stamford Bridge.

What’s even worse is that while Cole’s dirty laundry has been aired in the press every day for months, it’s now going to be repeated in an even more lucrative fashion due to the serialisation of his new autobiography. How riveting.

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Promising Manchester City youngster Micah Richards threw what can only be described as a “hissy fit” when he was substituted on the hour in the Blues’ 1-0 defeat at Reading last night.

The 18-year-old threw his shirt to the ground and waved his arms in disgust following his exit from the pitch and this was broadcast live on television as Sky was covering the match.

Ironically, team-mate Paul Dickov, known himself for his fiery temper, had to calm the youngster down after being substituted at the same time.

Manager Stuart Pearce was not impressed by the teenager’s unprofessionalism.

“It is my job as a manger to educate young players and that is what I will do in this case” he said.

Let’s hope the “education” involves Pearce’s boot and Richards’ arse in the same swift movement. Idiot.

Watch some prepubescent petulance here

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