Footballers Are Idiots

Shot shy defender Moritz Volz scored his first goal in three years to earn Fulham a point at Aston Villa on the weekend.

Nothing idiotic in that you may think, until the truth behind his wonder volley is revealed.

There’s nothing the German’s like better than sauerkraut, lederhosen and getting up at the crack of dawn with towels in hand - apart from David Hasselhoff that is.

Volz is such a fan of the former Baywatch beefcake that he had the nickname “Hoff” inscribed inside his custom-made football boots to inspire him on the pitch.

And inspire him it did.

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Hungry Spurs striker Jermain Defoe ‘nibbled’ West Ham’s Argentinian midfielder Javier Mascherano during their Premiership clash on the weekend but will face no action from the FA.

Cheery Dutchman Martin Jol found it funny, rather than dangerous, which leads us to believe Defoe has had all his necessary innoculations and poses no danger to the public when let off his leash.

“It is part of the game”, said Jol. ”They kicked him three times from behind in 10 minutes and he wanted to show his frustration in a nice, comical way”.

Hilarious I’m sure.

We haven’t seen a player tuck into another since mentalist Brazilian-cum-Belgian Luis Oliveria ran amok in Serie A during the mid 1990s biting anything in shorts. 

Feeding Time at Bite Hart Lane

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Precocious performers Francine and Nicola Gleadall were arrested for threatening words and behaviour during the Yorkshire derby between Sheffield Wednesday and Barnsley over the weekend.

The local starlets, ingeniously known as “Twin” managed to get off on the wrong foot by telling fans to “f**k off” as they were welcomed on to the pitch at Hillsborough.

Then, as they performed cover version of Slade classic “Cum on Feel the Noize” at half time, they flicked ‘V signs’ at the visiting Barnsley fans and upon receiving a chorus of boos in response, they again called upon their limited vocabulary to tell the fans to “f**koff” once again.

However, it seems no publicity as bad publicity as the chavvy duo’s antics resulted in columns upon columns of newsprint and appearances on the telly.

What charming young ladies

Their appearance on BBC ‘Look North’

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More goalkeeper related buffoonery for the website comes in the form of ex-England number one David James.

The often criticised “Calamity” James stated he will not do any more interviews for Sky Sports until 2 December, because that’s the earliest an engineer can come out and fix his dodgy satellite system.

Rumours that the receiver is no longer working because he dropped it have yet to be confirmed.

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Following a diabolical goalkeeping display by Paul Jones on the weekend, England proved that anything the Welsh can do, they can do it better and that includes being rubbish in goal.

All of Tottenham goalkeeper Paul Robinson’s nightmares came true against Croatia when a he missed a simple backpass from Gary Neville and allowed the ball to roll into an unguarded net.

Upon closer inspection, the ball hit a diviot on the pitch and bounced over Robinson’s foot but that doesn’t make the whole sorry incident any less funny.

Watch the hilarious video here

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One from the readers this - cast your mind’s back to last season’s Campeonato Brasileiro Série A.

Botafogo player William became infamous for a ridiculous penalty kick during a match against Fluminense last September.

William alleged that he had noticed that opposition goalkeeper Diego had already predicted where he was going to place his penalty, so he attempted to change his aim in the middle of kicking the ball.

Take a look at the pathetic consequences here

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Following the farce which saw a ball boy’s goal being given, South America continued it’s idiotic attitude to football by employing the Budwesier “Added Time Multiball” gimmick.

In the last minute of an Ecuadorian league match between Deportivo Quito and LDU, a corner was awarded but Quito keeper Daniel Viteri still has a ball in his hands.

What follows is almost unbelievable. The corner is taken with a second ball and Viteri tries to shoot it out of the air with the ball he is still holding. 

To make matters worse, a goal is scored, it stands and LDU earn a 2-1 victory.

You’d never (perhaps) see this on Match of the Day

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Goalkeeper Paul Jones had a match he will be unable to forget as his 50th appearance for Wales ended in farce.

Complete with a silly haircut, left, veteran Jones had a nightmare against Slovakia who crushed Wales 5-1 at the Millennium Stadium, their worst home result for 98 years.

Jones’ misery began as Wales were 1-0 down. A trademark sliced clearance while under no pressure landed at the feet of striker Mintal who fired into an empty net from 35 yards.

Mintal smashed in his second from distance a minute after Gareth Bale had brought Wales back into the game but by this time the home nation trailed 3-1 at the break.

Jones was caught off his line and again beaten from long range for Slovakia’s fourth, with Karhan curling in from 30 yards.

Watch the Paul Jones horror show here

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Those hot heads from South America love a good ruck, especially with players of their own team.

Supporting the boys when the chips are down is not the done thing in Brazil, as Cortiba players found out at an airport as they returned home from a defeat at Ceara.

Television pictures showed chaotic scenes as the players were met by furious fans as they entered the arrivals hall.

Witnesses claimed that several players and club security men hit back at the fans while rubbish bins were tossed around the hall.

The melee went on for several minutes before police brought the situation under control.

Watch the violence here.

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Here at FootballersAreIdiots.co.uk, we like nothing better than a dose of self-delusion and they don’t come more deluded than Stan Collymore.

One of football’s great wasted talents, last seen on the pitch back in 2001 but rarely out of the media spotlight since, Stanloi is prepared to make a comeback at the age of 35.

The girlfriend-beating dogging fanatic is frenetically completing a three-week training session in Tenerife in order to make his great return to the Premiership.

All he needs is a willing (read desperate) taker.

After an awesome spell at Nottingham Forest and a decent enough one at Liverpool, Stan was never that good following moves to Aston Villa, Fulham, Leicester, Bradford and finally Real Oviedo.

So what he thinks he can achieve in a faster, harder and more competitive Premiership than it was when he hung up his boots five years ago only he will know, but it would certainly be hilarious to watch.

Despite his lack of involvement and as ridiculous a comeback may sound, Martin Tyler’s commentary of “Barnes… Rush… Barnes… Collymore CLOSING IIIIIIINNNNN” during Liverpool’s 4-3 win over Newcastle back in the late 1990s will be echoing in some managers ears.

Neil Warnock, at Sheffield United, loves to have a large quota of non-goal scoring strikers on the books while Sam Allardyce can never resist a “big name” freebie, even if they turn out not to be very good - Mario Jardel, anyone?

A shock announcement could be imminent but in the meantime, look back at when Stan was the man

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